Our first hug in 6 days, in Klyde Warren Park just a few hours ago when I found him tonight!
So I know one of the challenges of this 30 days of homelessness was for him not to see his family. Not really sure why we threw that one in there, but we did. I guess part of me didn’t want to get in the way of something he has wanted to do for years and years. So we decided that Leon and I would have no contact. We said a very tearful goodbye last Thursday, and went our separate ways.
Now, only 6 days have gone by, and I cracked. I have had some good and some bad days, but I was having to adjust to living life without Leon. I am sleeping alone, waking up alone, going to work alone, parenting alone, eating meals alone, and doing everything that Leon and I normally did together, alone. It wasn’t fun. I had a hard first few days. And don’t get me wrong, I have tremendous support from family and friends who are keeping me occupied, and Mary, whom I see everyday...but I didn’t have my husband, and Micah didn’t have his daddy.
Micah has had some emotional outbursts lately, been very clingy to me, and has just not really been himself. I have been stressed, exhausted, emotional, and also not myself. And today, I just had to call Leon to talk to him (yes, he’s carrying an in case of emergency cell phone). I cratered. I explained everything that had been going on and how hard this was, and how I couldn’t do it anymore and that he should just come home.
Now on an aside...I understand that 6 days is not very long, and in fact, many families have one parent or the other who travels a lot, or works a lot, and they are used to the separation. I just have to say that Leon and I are not used to that kind of separation. We are both very involved in all aspects of our family. I go to work with him and help him with all the church things he does, we both take Micah to school and pick him up, we hang out together after work....we are truly best friends and we do everything together. That is our reality, and that is what we are used to. And 6 days is the longest we have been apart since we got married. So it has been tough.
When Leon heard how hysterical I was on the other line and how much this has really affected our family, he told me something that put everything into perspective.
He first of all assured me that his journey was not done. He was still pushing forward, and although he had already learned a TON, he still had more to learn and accomplish. As for me, however, my journey of separation is over. He explained to me that because I was talking so unlike myself, and because I had been so upset that life had to go on without him here, I had visited the emotional state of that separation, and now it was time for it to end. He let me know that the only next step, once I got to this low emotional point, was to start adjusting to life without him, start surviving, and start becoming independent. And that was never the goal.
I was never supposed to get used to life without Leon. I was never supposed to allow Micah to get used to life without his daddy, because that is not our reality. It was good to understand a little about the separation-factor, but that time is up. Now it is my time to not require Leon to give up on what he feels called to do so we can save our family, but now to be a part of it. Instead of trying to stay away because we set up some “rule” for ourselves in the beginning, I could now jump right in like everyone else is doing, and support him more directly. We make the rules anyway, so who was I trying to please? This is the love of my life I’m talking about...what criticism (that I’m sure I WILL get from some haters out there!) is worth staying away from the person I love the most in this world, just because we set up a challenge for ourselves at the beginning? That would be crazy.
So all that to say, after hearing that and gaining some perspective on the whole situation, I grabbed Micah as fast as I could, sped downtown in the middle of rush hour, grabbed some dinner, and Micah and I had a picnic in the park with Leon. It was incredible to see him, and sad to leave, but not as sad because I know I will see him more often now. And that gave me a ton of comfort today.
Here are just a few pictures to share from our visit in the park tonight:
Please, I am not a hter, but have been married for 20 years. I dearly love my husband and feel I can speak something of great value here. He left for a year and half to go work undercover in Iraq on VERY INSANELY DANGEROUS missions for our government. I did not even have the right to tell anyone. I could not join military wifves because they said we were not "military." I had no family abut I HAD JESUS. I knowthat you and Leon also have Jesus, but Jesus wants to be FIRST, As you continue thes next two eeks, see Jesus as Your Companion every moment and you will never feel alone. I am not trying to be preachy...just know that only when we receive all of HIs Love are we able to give love, and love is never exasperated, feeling it must be satisfied right away.
ReplyDeleteYou are and will be blessed for this miniature sacrifice, and Micah also, because Jesus says "Anyone who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me."
You will get this perspective of REALLY Who Is First and believe me, your "reality" will be Jesus Christ and wherever He sends you, whatever He asks you to do, and that will be ALL that will matter...He IS not going to destroy anything you have or will have, but He will give you Life more abundantly....You will have Him first in your life, in an experiential way, and this is the greatest assurance one could ever have...He Is our portion...man will always disappoint, but He will never disappoint. I anot telling you anything new, but this goes from our head to our hearts...and you are getting this wonderful experience of His Closeness more than ever. Think of those women whose husbands are leaving to go fight in Israel right now...pray for them.